Posted September 1, 2016

(Fiction)

​

Monday. 7:54 A.M.

​

​

I should wait to text her, right? Yeah, I should wait. I’ll text her at noon.

 

 

12:00 P.M.

​

​

I'm just worried that if I text now, it’ll feel like I told myself to wait until 12:00. I should do it at 1:03. 1:03 feels spontaneous. Like I was busy exploring the Grand Canyon or something and only just realized I should text that girl I met last night.

​

Exploring the Grand Canyon?
 

Or something else adventurous. I just want her to think that I’m out there in the world, living life. Doing exciting things.

​

This is the girl who already knows you’re an office coordinator, right?
 

Maybe I took the day off. Maybe I’m adventurously playing hooky.

​

And texting at 1:03 will send that message?
 

On some level.

            

​

1:03 P.M.

​

​

ME: Hey, this is Mike from Maddie’s party last night. How’s it going?
 

​

1:10 P.M.

​

​

Why hasn’t she replied? I thought she would have texted back by now.

​

Maybe she’s exploring the Grand Canyon.
 

Shut up.

​

​

1:20 P.M.

​

​

She’s not going to respond.

​

It’s been seventeen minutes.
 

That’s an eternity.

​

She might not have even gotten the text yet.
 

Nobody goes seventeen minutes without checking their phone.

​

​

2:42 P.M.

​

​

Now can we agree she’s not responding?

​

Maybe she’s making you wait like you made her wait.
 

Why can’t she just be honest about whether or not she likes me instead of playing these stupid games?

​

Yes, it really is a special kind of monster that intentionally waits to text someone to make it seem like they’re playing it cool.
 

I don’t want to date someone who plays games like this. If we were the right fit, we wouldn’t be doing this tango. I’m not really sure I want to see her again.

​

So if she texted back right now and said “let’s go out,” you would say no?
 

I didn’t say that.

​

​

3:42 P.M.

​

​

Okay, we’ve officially crossed the “This isn’t happening” threshold. It’s 3:42. If she wanted to meet up, she would have replied by now. Honestly, even if she does text at this point, I would say no. Just because it’s rude for her to do this. Like, if you don’t want to go out with me, just say so.

​

​

4:56 P.M.

 

 

My phone’s vibrating.

 

No it’s not.
 

If that wasn’t my phone vibrating, then how do you explain that buzzing sensation I felt on my left thigh?

​

Desperation?
 

I’m checking my phone.

​

Go ahead, check your phone.
 

​

4:57 P.M.

 

 

Okay, maybe that wasn’t my phone vibrating.

 

​

5:20 P.M.

 

 

Maybe there’s something wrong with my cell service. I haven’t gotten messages from anyone in the last few hours.

 

You should call T-Mobile. I’m sure they have an entire extension set up for people who haven’t heard back from the girl they met last night and assume something’s wrong with their service.
 

​

7:05 P.M.

​

​

That was a vibration! That was definitely a vibration. I’m just going to wait to check my phone. I don’t want to seem desperate.

​

Good idea. If you looked at the screen too soon, she would probably sense it.
 

​

7:06 P.M.

​

​

Screw it. I’m checking the phone.

 

I can’t believe you held out this long.

BETH: Hey! Great! U?
 

Two exclamation points! That’s good, right? That has to be good.

​

I thought you didn’t like her anymore.
 

Shut up.

​

ME: Great! I’m glad to see your Uber driver didn’t kill you!

​

Glad to see your Uber driver didn’t kill you?
 

Yeah, because when she got into her Uber last night, we were joking about how—

 

No, I get it. It’s just, it’s a weird option to lead with.
 

It was a joke. Is she not going to think it’s a joke? Is she going to think I’m some weird, twisted sick monster? Maybe I should text “JK.”

​

Please don’t text “JK.”
 

She’s typing something.

​

BETH: …
 

Wait, where did the dots go? Why did she stop typing?

​

​

8:14 P.M.

 

 

Why did she stop typing?

 

 

8:18 P.M.

​

​

Why did she stop typing??

​

Maybe her Uber driver killed her.
 

Shut up.

​

​

8:22 P.M.

​

​

Maybe the problem is that I didn’t ask a question.

 

That’s not the problem.
 

No. Like right now she’s thinking, “that’s a funny line, but there’s nothing to respond to. So I just won’t respond.” But if I had asked a question, then she’d have something to work off of.

​

Don’t ask a question.
 

Yeah, it’s too late. If I type something else now before she types something, she might feel smothered.

​

​

9:10 P.M.

​

​

Okay, it’s official. She’s not responding. Honestly, I’m not totally surprised. Even when we were talking the other day, she didn’t seem like she had a great sense of humor. It’s probably for the best. I wouldn’t want to date someone who doesn’t find that Uber line funny.

​

Sure you wouldn’t.
 

​

9:41 P.M.

​

She texted!

 

BETH: Ha! No still alive

 

She’s fun.

​

I thought you said she wasn’t fun.
 

I think I was wrong. She’s fun.

​

Please just ask her out.
 

I should engage in casual conversation, then segue naturally into the ask-out.

​

It’s 9:41. Just ask her out.
 

ME: Would you wanna grab a drink some time?

​

BETH: Sure
 

She said “yes!”

​

She said “sure.”

​

ME: How about Thursday night?

​

BETH: Yeah I can probably do that

​

She said “yes!”

​

She said “probably.”
 

What does that mean?

​

It means you have plans... Unless something better comes along.
 

No, I don’t think she would do that.

​

She just did.

​

ME: You know the bar up the street from Maddie's? The Attic? Wanna meet there?

​

BETH: Ya

​

ME: How about 7:30?

​

BETH: I think that works. I'll let you know

​

So do we have a date?

​

You have plans for her to tell you that night if you have a date.
 

I should put my foot down. I should say something like “commit to this or else I’m gonna make other plans.” Except in a way that’s fun and chill.

​

Yes.
 

But what if she gets annoyed and decides she doesn’t want to go out with me?

​

That sounds like what she’s planning to do anyway.
 

ME: Cool, yeah it should work for me too. We’ll be in touch.

​

Way to put your foot down.

Shut up.

​

ME: If my Uber driver doesn’t kill me. ;)

Please put away the phone.

​

​

9:51 P.M.

​

She hasn’t responded.

​

She won't.

​

​

Wednesday. 2:06 P.M.

​

​

I should text her.

​

No you shouldn’t.
 

When we talked at the party, she said she had a presentation on Wednesday. If I just text, “Good luck with the presentation,” it sends the message that I listened when we talked and am thoughtful.

​

It sends the message that you have her calendar committed to memory and have probably already checked her Facebook page 40 times since you met.
 

I don’t think that’s how she’ll take it.

​

ME: Knock ‘em dead with the presentation slugger.

​

How did you ever get this girl to give you her number?
 

​

3:15 P.M.

 

Why hasn’t she responded?

​

It's a mystery.

 

Shut up.

 

 

Thursday. 5:20 P.M.

​

​

ME: Hey! Still on for tonight?

​

​

5:40 P.M.

​

​

I feel like she might not respond.

​

After that text about her presentation? I don’t see how she could possibly walk away.
 

​

5:42 P.M.

​

​

BETH: Sorry! Super slammed at work!

Don’t think I can make it by 7:30

​

ME: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. We can try for later if you want?

​

That’s not what she’s saying.

​

ME: Wanna do 8:30?

 

Really not what she’s saying.
 

​

6:57 P.M.

​

​

BETH: Ugh, I’m sorry. Still at work. My boss won’t let me leave!
 

I shouldn’t respond right away.

​

Or just don’t respond.
 

ME: No worries. Wanna do something next week instead?

​

BETH: I have a pretty hectic week next week
so I’m not gonna be around that much
 

Maybe she’s not interested.

​

It could go either way.
 

I don’t get it. I thought she was into me.

​

There was no way you could have seen this coming.
 

Shut up.